About a year ago this month, I was sitting with my therapist. Still married. Not sure which way my world was spinning.
"You haven't been allowing yourself to feel your own feelings," she said. "Probably for a long time."
I considered this.
(And I'm paraphrasing at least a couple of sessions here for the sake of the blog. Don't think I came to terms with this all at once.)
"While I think you're right," I said, "I also think it's made me very successful. In fact, it feels like society wants me to be this way. When there is work to be done, it doesn't matter how I feel about it, I just shut my brain off and get it done. And I've been rewarded for that in so many parts of my life."
"You have to allow yourself to feel though, and to process those feelings. Otherwise, if you don't master your emotions, they will master you, and you won't get any say in when and how they master you."
Slowly, I did start allowing myself to feel. I did start allowing myself to think...what do I want? Obviously the big one was that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I hadn't, for a while, but when you skate through life not allowing your feelings to exist even inside your own head, that's the type of thing you can neatly store in the attic of your brain for years, in a dusty box that you don't even see anymore when you look at the shelf.
There were other things on that shelf. What do I want my life with horses to look like? Do I really not want kids, or did I not want kids with him? More relevant to this blog, am I really a "lifelong boarder," as I've always joked, or was it just that I couldn't imagine owning a farm with him?
Turns out, when push came to shove, I am not, in fact, a lifelong boarder. I was raised on a farm, and marrying a city kid the first time didn't take that out of me.
Sometime in the next three years, my house will be at the top of this hill:
I love my historic home, but my barn owners made an offer I'd be foolish to turn down, even though it's still a dizzying amount of money for me. And with boarding getting harder and harder to find around here, if I want to stay in this city, there is no better option. Plus, it has slowly started to feel more like mine the more I managed it, loved it and cared for it the last couple years. It just felt right.
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| Including weeding this overgrown garden bed and subsequently getting poison ivy allllllll over. Love you too, barn. |
They're in no hurry to sell, which is good, because my 133-year-old house will be, I'm sure, in no hurry to get sold, but we are in agreement that the farm will be mine as soon as I want it to be. And it feels good. I want that. There are so many things I'm still processing and learning about myself, but CobJockey: Barn Owner already feels like a comfortable hoodie on a cool spring night.
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| Hello, home. |
Here's to new beginnings, in space, in time, and in my own head.
Wow! Congratulations! Your own barn and arena - every horse owners dream!
ReplyDeleteYes it is!
DeleteThis made me feel good just reading it! It's a beautiful farm and i know how much you have dedicated to living your horse dream. Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much <3
DeleteThis is so awesome. Congratulations on making your dreams come true! ♥️
ReplyDeleteLong time lurker, first time (?) poster - CONGRATULATIONS!
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks for coming out from behind the scenes to comment, it means a lot. And thank you!
DeleteThis makes me so so so happy 💜
ReplyDeleteThank you <3
DeleteCongratulations on such a big move! I'm glad you're finding your path to being true to yourself. I hope you don't come across more than the normal number of problems while you make the transition. Looking forward to more stories about your barn!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I don't think I will. I have the luxury of having boarded here for six years and more or less ran it for the last two, there's little I don't know about it. BO's been very transparent about ALL of the financials too.
DeleteCongratulations on many levels. For advocating for yourself, for taking on a new adventure, for being brave and taking risks. It's scary - I know from personal experience, but it's worth it!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, then you know what a tough but rewarding journey this is!
DeleteThis is so exciting. Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteWow! Are you going to change professions or is this a side gig?
ReplyDeleteNeither, I wouldn't be buying it if it needed to be a business. Perks of having a tech salary in a MCOL market. This facility is oddly sized - 7 stalls on 20 acres with luxury amenities, too big to be a completely private facility and too small to have any kind of economy of scale to be a cost-effective business. I'm looking forward to keeping my friends on as boarders and maintaining the co-op model so that their horses pay for themselves and they help me with the labor a place like this will require, but it doesn't need to be a business.
DeleteThat's incredible! Congratulations :)
ReplyDeleteHuge congratulations!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it wasn't an easy journey to get to this point, but you put in the work and remained open to what came next. Congratulations! Your co-op boarders must be thrilled to have all this worked out.
ReplyDeleteWow, congratulations! You being YOU, doing what YOU want, living YOUR life - that's amazing!
ReplyDeleteThis is absolutely incredible. Huge congrats. I feel really proud for you!
ReplyDeleteWoohoo! That is so exciting. Congratulations!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness!!! WOW! I'm so happy for you!
ReplyDeleteThis is so exciting! I'm both surprised and not surprised after reading your blog for so many years. You will be an excellent barn owner and I hope you continue to document your journey here. Congratulations, also, on the cool opportunity for Disco. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteThis makes me so happy to read! I feel like dealing with feelings results in making decisions that are painfully difficult in the midst of making them, but make life so much more fulfilling long term. I am so glad you have the opportunity to make a home where your barn home has been for so long.
ReplyDeleteI am so late to this post, but I'm over here cheering for you; you are going to be an amazing barn owner and I wish you all of the joy and peace and fulfilling feelings of owning your own farm, and hope the universe doesn't send you to many of the not wonderful moments at once. I've loved following your blog, and while I'll miss the super cool historical house posts when things happen, I'm so excited to see what your ambition, dedication and wonderful perspective does with a farm.
ReplyDeleteI haven’t been reading blogs recently so I saw this first on Instagram. Really cool to learn more about the background of the decision. Congratulations!!!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe I missed this!! SO excited for you, and I'm sure you are super busy, but can't wait to hear some updates.
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