Disco comes home next week.
It feels surreal. But also right.
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| Disco out for a walk in Maude's fruit orchards. She says he loves this drive because she'll gather apples in the cart to give them to the horses when they're done. |
A lot has changed since he left. One year and eight months ago, in March of 2023, I was depressed, overwhelmed, and alone. Especially alone in my own head. When Lisa told me about Maude's inquiry and asked if I would be willing to send Disco north, it felt like someone threw me a life preserver in a stormy sea. It wasn't enough to get me out of the water, but it would help me keep my head above the water.
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| Came home from dropping Disco off at the layover facility in Kentucky in April of 2023 and cried into Connor's neck. With relief. |
When I agreed to buy Disco in May of 2021, I was still Old Me. And I recognize now that Old Me was using horses to escape from feelings I didn't know how to feel and couldn't name. Horses, tack ho'ing, showing, planning training rides and throwing myself into work to pay for it all were all-consuming distractions that conveniently distracted me from my own unhappiness, which I wasn't emotionally mature enough back then to identify anyway.
So, the question is now, (and I have been trying to figure this out for the last three years), what role do horses play in my life now that I'm happy? And more saliently, where do they fit in around a significant other I actually want to spend time with, and his kids, whose little lives I am so thrilled to be a part of?
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| Best stallion ever, or best stallion ever? |
The answer is that my life now is like a quilt woven together from a bunch of different blocks, instead of my hobby being one big all-consuming blanket. Horses are one block. Date nights and coming together as a couple are another. Sitting in the stands cheering for 6th grade basketball games are another. Working on the farm with my SO and then sitting on the porch having a beverage together at the end of a long day are another. And, happily, watching an eight year old girl discover the magic of horses and the joy of a quiet, snuggly pony are another.
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| Mary giving my SO's daughter a proper lesson on Connor. I mightttttttttt have taken her on a shopping spree to the tack store for her birthday a couple of weeks after this photo was taken. |
Which brings me back to Disco. I feel excited to have him back. I feel motivated to work with him. I feel fulfilled at the idea of building my next long-term partner. And I could not be happier to have to carefully plan out training rides in between the other things in my life that are important to me.
Let's do this.
so excited for you <3
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteWow, THAT was a lot of news in one post! I know we bloggers all have lives mostly untold on our public forums, so when something is shared outside our usual blogging fare, it can certainly surprise our readers, as you did me. I wish you the best balancing and enjoying ALL the parts.
ReplyDeleteIt's true. I have found that there are some things that have to be shared about my personal life if the story is going to make sense and have depth and value. I'm glad these kinds of updates are appreciated, and thank you!
DeleteI ❤️ this update. Happy for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteSo very happy for you! (and really well done for making the changes you needed to) Looking forward to following along with Disco and your new adventures <3
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
DeleteI had a big paradigm shift this year as well, and I had the same questions. It took me about seven or eight months to really find joy again, and figure out what the core reasons were behind why I ride, and why I do what I do. I'm so glad you've found yours, and happiness in your life. Not many people are as lucky, or are wanting to really analyze motivations behind it all.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to hear you came out on the other side of that kind of self-reflection knowing why you ride and where the joy comes from. It's a whole different thing to think deeply about all this, as you've found.
DeleteWow! This is such a great post! I’m happy for you to be putting the pieces of your life together in a new and fulfilling way. How exciting for all the good things! I have so much fun sharing horses with my daughter and get as much if not more enjoyment watching her learn and grow. We just did a tack store visit for new boots and half chaps so I can relate to fun horsey shopping with kids!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! And yes, I am having a blast with her and all the shopping we did (and will do again in six months when she outgrows these boots, lol). I'm so glad you get to share it with your daughter, I shared horses with my mom and it is such a special bond we have over it.
DeleteI'm so happy for you. Happiness is tough to achieve and even more difficult to maintain. Sounds like you're finding balance in all the areas of your life. And I can't wait for more Disco updates!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Disco adventures are coming soon.
DeleteI love the visual of life being a quilt of patches that make you happy. LOVE.
ReplyDeleteThank you <3 The balance matters so much!
Delete<3 I love this journey for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you <3 You have had more of an impact on this journey than almost anyone else, and it means the world to me.
DeleteI got goosebumps reading this. So so happy that you are happy. I'm excited to see Disco again and watch you two build your relationship!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! You have had a front row seat to all of it, the good and the bad. Time for some adventures!
DeleteI'm excited to see Disco back with you. It's so neat how much driving practice he's had in Canada. And I'm glad things are going well in life for you and I love your analogy.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I really have to buckle down on figuring out the driving thing here...lol.
DeleteBeautifully stated! I find myself agreeing with so much of it, especially recalibrating how horses fit in a life rich with healthier emotions, headspace, and relationships. It's been an odd path to travel down, but not necessarily hard or uncomfortable, just *different*. Grateful for each step.
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely different, and I know you understand all of it more than most. I'm also grateful, and happy that we are both finding our new ways.
DeleteHappy for you finding balance. It's a treasure when you do!
ReplyDeleteSo much so!
DeleteJust catching up on your blog and it makes me SO happy to hear how much happier life is for you these days. The horses still being involved is the icing on the cake.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, that means a lot!
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